I know it's been a million years since I posted, and I promise to catch up soon. Here I sit feeding Annie, typing one-handed, frustrated that I didn't make it to the gym and that I still have to go to the grocery store and have a million things to do for Josie's Birthday party first thing in the morning when I came across this INSPIRING post from my friend, Katy. I hope she doesn't mind me re-posting it. She is amazing and I've learned so much from her.
"Let me start by saying that I LOVE and ADORE my children so much. Do not assume, while reading this post, that I have ever neglected my children in anyway. I have always expressed a great deal of love and care- but I have battled mentally.
Before I had Lucy I was a teacher- and before that a student. If I am being honest, I didn't LOVE being a teacher. I mean it was fine, but if I were to go back to school I think I would choose something else the second time around. What I did love about studying and teaching was the growth intellectually, the fact that, when I was teaching- I was valued for my mind and my ideas and my knowledge. I got good grades in college and it wasn't because I was smart, it was because I worked my tail off because I am competitive and hate feeling defeated by something. I would do whatever it took to get an A. Even if it meant jumping through stupid loop-holes that some high-on-his-horse professor made up. I loved success and I craved new opportunities to conquer things- even small things.
I got pregnant in 06, and I was thrilled with this new challenge. Then I had Lucy, and I had never seen anything as amazing as she was. I began to take on my new role as a SAHM (stay at home mom). This, admittedly, was a big struggle for me. I am ashamed to say it, especially as an LDS woman, which is sad if I am being honest. Also because all I saw of my own mother was complete and total devotion to me. I wanted to give that to my kids- the way I had had it. But I didn't want to give it against my will- I wanted to feel it's importance, to really really want to give it- more than anything else.
Here was my basic problem, as I described it to my mother in an email back in 2007
" See, when I complete an important mothering task: ie...change Lucy's diaper The result is this: Lucy doesn't stink up the house and she isn't uncomfortable. And when I complete this task over and over 4 or 5 times a day...the result is always the same. More changed diapers doesn't equal a less and less stinky house and Lucy experiencing a greater and greater elevation comfort. On the other hand, When I complete an important task in the work force or in my student life: ie... making a great presentation on time with success, completing a darn hard course with an annoying professor, teaching a child to be a proficent reader the result is: at the very least, noticed by other human beings of the adult variety. And when I complete this task over and over 4 or 5 times a day... the result changes... maybe a promotion, a good grade, a pat on the back, a pay raise, respect, esteem. Get my drift?"
I know, this sounds extremely selfish and maybe some of you can relate, others- are not so selfish. I just wanted a positive and immediate result out of what I was doing. I wanted someone to alert the media and at least tell them I was alive- since I could literally stay inside for weeks at a time with nothing to contribute anywhere in the world except for to my new little one. I remember right after having Lucy sitting in my rocking chair with my new baby in my living room watching a 4 day marathon of "Judging Amy" and feeling very unpleasant. Feeling sorry for myself. I hate "Judging Amy" now. I feel like vomiting when I see that a re-run is on.
Later when Lucy was about 6 months older, I thought I had shaped up a bit. I was making myself daily task lists, accomplishing more thinking positively and trying to create a sense of success for myself as a SAHM. I decided to focus on the TASKS of mothering.. the household- the organization etc. The only problem was- I was doing it with some anger. I thought I was accepting my role a little bit better but still couldn't see how this could produce a happy long life for me.
One (sad) day- the truth of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. ( I have mentioned this experience to my family before.) It was a turning point- sort of like a bolt of lightning and I remember it vividly. I remember that morning I was feeling like my world was a bit out of control. I sat down and made a large to-do list, things I could cross off, even small things (I love to do this). I tried to accomplish some of it here and there throughout the morning while Lucy was still awake, but was having little success because, well- I was taking care of Lucy. Finally I got her down for her afternoon nap and got busy. I was feeling great crossing things off the list, feeling like I was gaining back some mental control over my 'tasks' as a SAHM that were supposed to make me feel successful. Finally I got to the end of the list. The only thing left was 'dusting'. We lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment and so this literally would have taken about 5 minutes. I remember thinking- wow this is great, Lucy will still be out for awhile and I will be able to get even a few more things done. See... I was conquering a big long list- plus some and this would give me a great feeling of success.
Just as I started to dust, I heard Lucy cheerfully squealing in her bed. This is going to sound really crazy (but I was sort of crazy then) but I was totally crushed. I remember standing there with my rag thinking in yelling mental thoughts "I just want to dust!!" Please! let me dust... that is all I ask!" Instead I threw my rag on the floor like a little child who didn't get her way and opened Lucy's door. I walked in and looked at my baby girl. She gave me a look of complete and total admiration. Not unusual, but for some reason it stopped me dead. She threw her arms out SO anxious for me to pick her up and snuggle her. I remember bursting into tears and feeling like a terrible mother. Yes, I loved Lucy completely, and took great care of her, I was amazed by her- but in that moment I felt a total understanding- What I realized was that I was everything to her- her most important thing. She didn't love anything else in this world more than me. Her pure simple life was consumed in her loving me completely. I got the distinct impression that I would be happy as a SAHM as soon as I loved her more than I loved myself and my needs, as soon as I put MOTHERING and LOVING as the first and foremost important part of being a SAHM, not the TASKS or even the feelings of success. I was suddenly confused about why I thought 'dusting' would bring me more happiness than Lucy. Dusting?
I have come to the conclusion that Mothers and Fathers, mother and father with different levels of mental involvement. The image of Parenting being like a river often comes to mind. Some people go to the banks of the river and dip their toes in- some stand in up to their knees. They are mothers or fathers but they aren't really swimming in the river they are just sort of observing it, doing the tasks while having their eyes on other things. They are there physically, but not in far enough to require much mental attention. That was the kind of mother I was for the first few months of Lucy's life. I was in the river part way- but wanted to be elsewhere- I wanted Lucy to come with me and do the things that made ME happy.
I think mothers are hesitant, like I was- to get in fully because they think if they go in completely they will somehow loose themselves. The world tells women that if they are a SAHM they will loose themselves in demeaning, oppressive tasks. Women believe this- it is hard not to when it is so prevalent. What the 'world' (I could give this group other names but that might become controversial) doesn't know- that I figured out on my dusting day, is that they see being a SAHM as being a slave of the house- a laborer with children and an oppressive man as your task masters. And believe me at the end of a long day when I am giving my girls a bath and I am covered in bath water, tired with wet sleeves- check myself in the mirror and say "wow, I know I showered today- why do I look so haggered" I sometimes believe them. What these voices of the world don't consider is that giving yourself selflessly to another person, or a couple little people- and finally getting to the point where you can see, or as you get glimpses along the way can be far more fulfilling than any corporate ladder. Don't the scriptures say that if you loose your life in service you will find it? Find what? True Happines? Hum... food for thought.
The world will say that being a SAHM is demeaning because it does not use our 'intellect'. Let's assume for a minute that they are right. So we are not growing intellectually at all as SAHMs. But how are we growing if we Embrace it Fully? In compassion? in self-less-ness? in charity? in patience? in order? in understanding of our earthly role? and unconditional love? would it be OK to possess all these things at the sake of intellect? if you had to choose one or the other? Think about it. I guess that depends on what you think is important to the Lord. I don't suspect that at the end of my life all the women brain surgeons and women bio-chemists will be let in first to heaven just because of their intellect- do you? I think it will depend more on their compassion, their self-less-ness, their charity, their patience, their understanding of their earthly role and if they can love others unconditionally. Looks to me like intellect is just a bonus in this case- and since we know that SAHM DO grow intellectually- if they so choose, I guess we get that bonus too (shove it 'world')
I had a Mother and Father who stood on the banks of the river at some point in their early parenthood- (I don't know when, I would like to assume that I not am late, but normal in comparison to others, in learning after becoming a parent) looked at each other, shrugged and said, "alright, lets do this" and canon-balled into the river. They were not perfect parents- but they took the rapids with full speed and did their best. My mom is still swimming in the river, even though she has other things she has been asked to do. No one will ever convince her to get out.
What I realized after my experience with "dusting" is that enjoying motherhood was a choice. What I have also learned as I have studied the Proclamation to the Family, put out by the LDS First Presidency, is that nurturing and loving children is inherit in my nature as a woman. And in all His promises to us hasn't the Lord said that His ultimate goal is the happiness and eternal glory of his children. If that is the case than shouldn't I trust that the thing that will bring me the most happiness is actually the thing he designed me, as woman, to be the best at? Mothering?
In putting my knowledge into practice, I realized that I couldn't just sit and close my eyes tight and say ok: read, set, "Enjoy Motherhood Katy!" and I would. I had to put it first, practice it, tell myself I was happy, watch the result in myself and my children and my peace of mind with my Heavenly Father and realize that I was good at it and I see that did love it. There would be ups and downs, a learning curve and slow progression- but I had to jump in before I would know.
See, in my understanding- what happens when you take a flying leap into the river and fully embrace parenthood- you don't loose yourself, as the world thinks. What happens is that you see a point to life past yourself. You see that guiding, leading and loving another is more satisfying than your own self-importance and gratification. I am not dismissing the importance of doing and being yourself and participating in things you love. These things bring temporary happiness and are essential to well being- but do not bring the kind of happiness that loving another does.
I am not a perfect mother. I do stupid things all the time. I am not always patient. I am still selfish in many ways. I wonder if the endless dish load of sippy cups will ever end. I wonder if my stretch marks will ever fade fully, I am tired of each and every princess movie, I wish Yogo's and M&M's weren't hiding in ever crevice of my existence, I want my make-up drawer to stay closed and my shoes to stay organized, I am cranky sometimes and think endless pink eye and ear-aches stink- etc. ect. ect. But if the mother I was 2.5 years ago could see into the brain of the mother I am now- she would feel lots and lots of hope to understand that one day soon she would experience sincere happiness and fulfillment by 'JUST being a SAHM'."
